


Our Secret Lives

by Arientis



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Cuddles, Depression, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Hidden Talents, How Do I Tag, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Superheroes, butttttttt.... it is not all angst! There is fluff, this is probably really bad, well... some people die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-03-08 20:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18902272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arientis/pseuds/Arientis
Summary: Every story has a hero and a villain... Right?Maybe it's time the lines were blurred.---Connor and Evan are on different sides of the law. One is considered 'good', the other 'bad'. But when everything seems to go against them and they are put in the same dorm room, will the lines between 'good' and 'bad' be crossed?





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jarediscronchtastic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarediscronchtastic/gifts).



**Connor**

 

" _Hello and welcome to_ Today's News. _The top-rated news show this side of the equator._

_ Today a new threat has surfaced for the world as yet another supervillain has made themselves known. The villain, who goes by the name of Mandrake, was seen robbing a bank in Downtown Brooklyn last night and seemed to use nature-based weapons to incapacitate staff and civilians. Mandrake is currently on the run from police and government agencies as they attempt to identify and capture America's newest supervillain. _

_ Amongst the weapons and evidence left behind at the crime scene were spray cans filled with a gas that seemed to be made from the chemical substance found in poison ivy. _

_In other news, the new musical Dear E-._ "

Connor sighed as he switched off the television. He was tired and had a feeling that it was going to be a long day.

 

\---

 

**Evan**

 

Evan grumbled and turned over in bed. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night. Unfortunately, he was hungry and knew that if he didn't get up, he would be late for breakfast. Slowly, Evan hoisted himself up and sat on the edge of his bed. Even slowlier, he stood up.

Immediately, a great pain had him almost to his knees.  _ Fantastic,  _ he thought,  _ another headache. Just the perfect day too, about to start university and I get a ferning headache. _

Evan managed to stumble to the bathroom and turned the hot water all the way up. As he waited for the water to heat up, he opened the medicine cabinet and took two Panadol pills out of the packet. Swallowing, Evan undressed and climbed into the shower, letting the steady beat of water run down his back.

 

\---

 

**Connor**

Connor zipped up his grey jumper and pulled his shoulder-length hair into a messy bun on the top of his head. He slipped his wallet into his back pocket and put his phone in the pocket of his jumper. He yelled to his mother that he was going out and got a short reply of, "Okay honey, just be back before 1 pm. You have to finish packing for college."

Connor grabbed his keys off of the key rack and stepped out the door, being sure to lock it behind him. He opened the door of his blue ute and reversed out of the driveway, driving down the road to the small cafe where he worked,  _ Brewed Awakening Coffee. _ It was a coffee shop that specialized in late risers and college students.

When Connor got to the cafe, he took off his jumper, revealing a plain black t-shirt underneath, and tied a forest green apron around his waist. Connor started making coffees and didn't expect anything different than the usual customers and passersby. Then a boy about his age walked in.

 

\---

 

**Evan**

 

Evan was walking down Orchard Lane when he noticed a small cafe on the sidewalk. Noticing that it was almost lunchtime, he decided that this was as good a place as any to eat.

Walking inside, he noticed the vintage decor and earthy smell. Evan paused to take in his surroundings. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling that this small coffee shop was important somehow, and all of a sudden he wanted to break down and cry, right then and there, in the middle of the cafe.

Evan took a moment to collect himself and walked up to the barista. He was a tall young man, looking to be Evan's age. 

"May I help you?", the barista asked, Connor, as his nametag said, "Sir?". Only then did Evan realise that he had been staring.

Startled, Evan looked up, right into eyes that were a gorgeously deep blue, one of them with a dash of hazelnut brown in them. "Oh! Um. Yes, thank-thank you. I-I... I'm not very-very good with people. I'd like a-a Mocha please."

Connor smiled. "Okay then, one Mocha coming right up. Anything else?"

Evan quickly scanned the rows of freshly baked goods until his eyes landed on something he liked. 

"Ye-yes. I'd like a banana bread if that's alright." He blushed and looked down at his shoes, sure that he had botched their 'conversation', or whatever it was. He thought back to the time in high school when he had a crush on Zoe Murphy, and missed the chance to talk to her after a jazz band recital, because he was too nervous, then again when he was a Senior and she apologised for some reason. Try as he would, Evan could not remember the reason Zoe apologised so profusely to him.

"-ir. Sir, hello? Sir? Are you okay?" Connor looked worried.  _ Wait,   _ Evan thought,  _ is-is Connor worried about-worried about me? _

"Um... Yes... Yes. I'm fine. Just... Thinking. That's all."

"Okay, well that comes to a total of $7.50."

Evan counted out the cash and handed it over the counter to Connor. As Connor rang it up on the till, (and it took an unnaturally long time to do so), they made small talk, though Evan was still nervously stammering and fiddling with his hands. Connor soon handed over Evan's food and hot drink.

"Thanks for-thank you for this." Evan said.

"No problem." Connor replied, holding out his hand, "I'm Connor by the way." 

Evan took Connor's hand and shook it firmly.

"I'm Evan."


	2. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of history, but mostly filler.
> 
> (T/W. Mentions of abuse, mental illness, anxiety attacks, cutting.)

**Connor**

For the rest of the shift, Connor could not take his mind off of the small dirty-blond-haired boy named Evan. Because of this, he ended up botching a few coffee orders and had to remake them.

So when his shift at  _ Brewed Awakening Coffee _ was over, Connor untied his apron, threw on his jumper and grabbed his keys, ready to rush home. He was late home by 20 minutes and his mother questioned his tardiness. Connor explained that he was held up at work, leaving out all mention of Evan so that his mother wouldn't pry too much.

With that situation handled, Connor practically leapt up the stairs to his room to finish packing. He was looking forward to university because he was taking a psychology degree as his major and music and modern arts as minors. Connor had always loved art and music and the freedom it gave him to vent and get everything that bothered him out. Psychology was chosen for two reasons, one; because he had always had an interest in the human psyche, and two; as homage to his mother, Cynthia, who understood that Connor was hurting and suffering from depression and anxiety and pushed his father, Larry, to allow Connor to attend therapy. When Larry did not allow nor support this, Cynthia left him and took Connor and his sister, Zoe away from his abusive father.

Connor opened his cupboard and took out two dark crimson suitcases, determined to fit his life for the next three years in them.  _ Or my clothes at least,  _ he amended.

 

**Evan**

Evan looked up from his phone to see his mother standing in front of him. She looked tired.  _ Or rather, more tired than usual _ , he thought. She tapped her foot and pointed to the door of his room, indicating that he had to start packing. He sighed, quietly cursing himself for forgetting to pack in the last week.

Connecting his phone to the speaker in his room, he selected his favourite album and gave a sigh of relief when  _ 'Alexander Hamilton' _ started playing. Evan began to hum along to the songs and unpacked his set of drawers and his closet. He took down sketches and posters from his favourite musicals and carefully rolled up his signed poster of  _ Hamilton _ and his sketches of turtles because, ' _ hey, they're cute!'.  _ He was folding up his many shirts and pants as  _ 'Guns and Ships' _ came on, and he sang to it with a perfect French accent. He was just finishing packing his linens when  _ 'Dear Theodosia'  _ began to play, and so it went on, Evan singing and dancing and making quick work of packing through the miracle that was  _ Hamilton _ .

He had just finished packing when  _ 'Stay Alive (Reprise)' _ started playing, and he was happy for that, because, as everyone knew, you simply could not help crying when Phillip died. There Evan sat, crying and sobbing his eyes out through most of the rest of the musical. When it was over, what could he do except start it all over again? Evan took out his sketchbook from his leather satchel and began to draw, it was his way of letting emotions out because speaking seemed to be too hard on most days. It was a good thing that he had learnt ASL in sixth grade when there was a deaf kid in his class, and he wanted to communicate with him.

"Evan," His mom called from the kitchen, "Come downstairs, the table is set and dinner is ready."

"Okay Mom, I'll be there in a minute." Was his reply.

Evan dried his tears and put on a smile, then ran down the stairs three at a time, tripping over his own two feet at the bottom because he could smell what his Mom had made, Bredie. It was a South African dish that included stewing meat for many hours and his mouth started salivating of its own accord.

Evan and Heidi held hands and prayed before eating.  _ Yes,  _ Evan thought,  _ It was going to be a good start to the next part of my life. _

\---

**Mandrake**

The wind whipped through his hair as he stood on top of the skyscraper, yes, he knew that it was cliché to do this, something seen in oh-so-many superhero movies and comics, but he liked the feel of the wind through his hair. His eyes narrowed as he focused on a window on the thirteenth level of the building across the street, then, careful not to interrupt anything on the street below took aim and fired. 

His weapon of choice was a modified sniper rifle that, instead of shooting bullets, shot plant spores that had been mutated to grow at a speed that was two-hundred-and-ninety times the speed that they normally did. He watched the vines encase the level and spread their roots down into the concrete thirteen levels below.

Silent as night, the unknown foe slipped into the shadows and off into the night.

\---

**Evan**

The next morning, Evan turned on the news after yet another sleepless night and flopped on the couch. he had two days until he had to make the trip to Cypress University, his school of choice for his study of Environmental Science and his minor in Music; it always calmed him down.

Giving his attention over to the television, he noticed it was a special report on a city skyscraper that was destroyed by a plant-based serum.  _ Hmmm, Interesting. _

_ "Last night, at precisely 11:30 pm, yet another confirmed attack by the assailant who goes by the name Mandrake was recorded. There have been no confirmed deaths yet, but there have been three confirmed injuries. More information to come soon." _

Evan turned off the television half an hour later, sick of such boring and depressing topics on the news and nothing interesting on the Nature Channel. Looking at his watch, he realised that it was 12 pm and that the  _ Brewed Awakening Coffee  _ shop should be open. Shouldering his satchel, he decided that he may as well go get something to eat and drink. It didn't hurt that the waiters were cute, either.

\---

_ I wonder whether Connor will be in today... _ Evan wondered as he walked down the street from the bus stop that dropped him at the top of the avenue where  _ Brewed Awakening _ was situated.  _ No, Evan! You mustn't think like that. He has probably forgotten all about you. Still,  _ he reasoned with himself,  _ you can never know until you give it a shot. I mustn't throw away my shot. _

He opened the door, stepped inside and took a deep breath of the coffee-scented café. He made his way to the register and peered over the counter to see if  _ he _ was in. Evan was disappointed when he at first did not see  _ him _ , but when Connor came bursting out of the kitchen he gave a sigh of relief. Connor had flour dusted throughout his hair and on his face, and his black t-shirt was splotched with a mix of flour and sugar. His hair was once again in a messy bun that seemed to add to his beauty, not subtract from it. He had his back turned to Evan and was facing the doors he had just come out of. He shook his hand at the doors and stuck out his tongue at whoever was standing on the other side.

Annoyed, Connor turned away and walked to the register, his eyes lighting up as he saw Evan. "He-. Hey, Evan. It's great to see you here." Connor's cheeks turned pink as he realised what he had just said, "Sorry. I'm so sorry. That probably sounded so weird.."

"N-No. It's fine. I was actually hoping to see you, so..." Evan chuckled awkwardly.

"Okay, well, then, how may I serve you then? I am, after all, your obedient servant."

Evan gasped as he realised that Connor was making a  _ Hamilton _ reference. "That-. That's from  _ Hamilton _ ?!? You know it!?"

Now it was Connor's turn to chuckle, "Yeah. It's my favourite. I get off on five minutes, maybe we can talk then? Now, may I take your order?"

Evan blushed as he realised that Connor actually wanted to spend time with him.

"Uh. Um. Y-Yeah. Sure. Can I have a mocha and a banana bread, please?"

"So, the same as last time then?"

"Yeah."

Evan paid for his meal and took a seat in the corner of the café, towards the back and facing the entrance. Just as he liked it. Connor showed up a few minutes later with his food and a coffee for himself, black and bitter, his favourite.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Okay, so explain to me exactly why you have flour in your hair."

Connor laughed again and his face settled into a relaxed smile.

"Well, it goes like this."


	3. The Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan settles in. Connor reunites with someone important. Some family fluff...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, huge love to my amazing beta and good friend, @jarediscronchtastic. You're the best, mate.

**Evan**

Evan threw his bags and suitcases in the trunk of his restored Cadillac. He kissed his mother goodbye and hopped behind the driver's seat. For the 18-hour trip down the coast to Cypress U, he had chosen a playlist entitled only,  _ 'Musicals'. _ In this playlist, he had chosen to play his favourites from  _ Hamilton _ ,  _ Be More Chill _ ,  _ Heathers _ ,  _ Dear Ben Platt _ ,  _ Jekyll and Hyde _ and many more. You could easily say that he was a musical fanatic, and he would never deny that fact.

Around two thirds through his journey, his thoughts drifted from his nerves and he began to wonder. Wonder who his roommate would be. What if he didn't have a roommate?!? He'd be the only one there who didn't have a roommate, of course, no one would want to share with him. They probably hate him already.

_ Calm down, Evan!  _ He thought to himself.  _ You're going to be fine. You're just going to go there, get your degree and have a good time. You have no reason to be worried. If worst comes to worst, Jared said that you could always call him. One, two, three, breathe. Un, Deux, Tois, Inspier. Good. _

Evan tapped his steering wheel with his long fingernails, unknowingly drumming  _ Helpless _ into it. He began to him and almost missed his turn-off because of it. Cursing,  _ Spruce! _ , he made a very illegal U-turn and missed hitting another car by a hair's breadth.

Evan saw the curly-haired person behind the foreign wheel stick up his middle finger as he passed by. Evan blushed and shrunk back in his seat, still not completely over the anxiety that had planned his teenage years. The Mercedes Benz the man was driving sped up and left Evan in the dust, so to speak.

The rest of the trip passed almost without issue, except for the fact that he almost ran over a passing hare. What could he help it, he was naturally clumsy.

Soon, (about six hours later, to be fairly exact,) Evan pulled into the long gravel driveway that belonged to one of the most selective universities in the state. Picturesque trees framed the path as he drove along, towards the block of tall Victorian-Era brick buildings. It was beautiful and looked more like a mansion than a college. The roundabout at the front door of the main house was full of newly-appointed college students hurriedly unpacking their trunks.

Volunteers were out on the lawn, meeting and greeting the students and helping them find their rooms. It was a young woman who introduced herself as Alana who helped him to his room ( _ 119! _ ) and explained that his roommate had called in earlier that morning to say that he would be arriving later in the day than previously expected. Mr. Murphy, C. his name, if the tag on his door was to be seen as proof.  _ I wonder if we are going to get along. I really hope so. _

Evan finished unpacking his suitcase and sat down on his twin bed, looking around at the room that would be his home for his indeterminable future. He sighed and relaxed, tired, knowing that the next few years of his life would be well taken care of.

**Connor**

Connor worked quickly, unpacking his chest of drawers, re-folding his clothes, rolling them up (hey, it saves space), and packing them in one of his suitcases. 40 minutes later, Connor stood in front of one and three-quarters packed suitcases. At least now his clothes were packed, but he still had to pack bedding, books and room decor. Connor spent another cleaning the posters and fandom materials from his room, rolling them up and packing with newspaper where necessary. Another hour passed, and he was done. Two suitcases for clothes and linen, three boxes full of 'necessary household items' (according to his mother), a duffel bag for room decor and a backpack full of books and art supplies.

Connor yawned and looked at the time. His digital alarm clock read  _ 4:02 pm.  _ He made his way downstairs to make a start on dinner because it was his night to make it. At the bottom of the stairs, he saw a suitcase and a backpack which in itself was strange, because these things were always packed in their proper places. The next unusual thing was the sweetly bitter smell of butter chicken wafting down from the kitchen. This was strange because his mother  _ never _ made food on his night.  _ Wait,  _ he thought,  _ this could only mean... _ He raced through the lounge and dining room into the kitchen to see...

"ZOE! You're back!" He rushed into her arms and hugged her so tightly that she was sure she would turn purple. They stayed like that for what felt like forever, just being together after months apart. Zoe had travelled for a gap year, starting in Britain then travelling to France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Ukraine, Russia then back to Britain for a flight home. Yes, Zoe was expected back, but not today, not for another week in fact.

"Uncle, uncle," Zoe eventually choked out her words, "I love you too, bro, but I'm sure that you don't want a corpse for a sister." Connor chuckled and let Zoe out of the hug, but held her shoulders at arm's length so he could properly examine her.

"Zo, you've changed so much!" Connor started to tear up. His little sister was all grown up and ready to kick some jerks where the sun don't shine. She had gotten so  _ strong! _ Gone was the shy little jazz band girl who whimpered whenever he was unwell or had a fit of anger brought on by drugs and ill mental health. It had taken so long to earn her trust back, and for a while, he thought that she'd hate him forever. Luckily, though, he had eventually proven to her that he was trustworthy and would never hurt her again. Connor loved his little sister, and he wanted her to know it. Connor trusted Zoe more than anyone else on the planet, except maybe his mom, but she was the one he told everything to, literally everything. She was the only person who knew about his-

His line of thinking was cut off when his mom walked into the room, hair messy and clothing dishevelled, but not in a bad way, she had been painting all day, a hobby she had taken up when she left Larry. Her hair was covered in paint and various colours were splattered on her once-white clothes. The smell of paint filled the air, the chemicals and something that was distinctly  _ her _ . That smell had been present almost since the day that she left Larry. It was the smell of freedom.

"Hey, honey," she said, ruffling his hair, "I see that you've seen your little going-away-to-college surprise."

He turned to face her. "You knew that she was coming home early?! Why didn't you tell me."

Zoe laughed, "I wanted to  _ surprise _ you, silly! If I told you, where would the fun in that be?"

Connor sighed and laughed, begrudgingly agreeing with her. He could never stay angry with her, much as he tried.

\---

The night had come and gone in just a moment, and, before long, it was time for Connor to leave.

He packed his luggage into his beaten-up Ford Bronco and said a teary goodbye to both Zoe and his mother, though it seemed that he was the one doing most of the crying.

Eventually, he got in the car and, only slightly doubting his prospects, drove out of their suburban-style home's driveway and into his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So that's the last of the daily updates. I have exams this week, but I'll try to update when I can.
> 
> Have a great day/night/morning/evening/etc. :)
> 
> -Ari


	4. Home Away From Home

**Connor**

The first thing Connor noticed when he drove through the old-but-somehow-still-stylishly-snobbish wrought iron gates was that the school looked exactly how he had thought it would. However, it was one of the only schools in the country that had the specific course that he wished to take, so he couldn’t turn his nose up at the blazer-wearing, ironed pants-wearing college students reclining on the lawns and walking around campus. He was certainly very happy that the uniform was strictly optional, as otherwise he would have felt compelled to fly halfway across the country to attend the other school with his course. Uniforms were  _ not _ his thing. (If asked, he would probably describe his ‘thing’ as worn sweaters and jumpers and chipped nails… your cliched goth style, if you would.) 

Turning his attention back to the present, and swerving so as to avoid the rather stupid student who had walked in front of him with her nose in a book, he parked his car and followed the _ rather perky  _ volunteer who showed him to his room. It was small-ish (more medium-sized, really), comfortable and had a homely feel to it. Connor was instantly drawn to the large window that overlooked the impressively-sized central courtyard and the seat built into the sill, earmarking it as a possible place for him to ‘escape’ to do art. Looking around, he noticed that the bed closest to the door was taken, a suitcase sitting precisely in the centre of the mattress and a couple of posters laid out where the pillows would typically be.  _ ‘Curious’ _ , he thought, as it was not often he saw objects placed so carefully and exactly. He wondered whether he would get along with him, whoever this ‘Mr. Hansen, E’ might be.

It was as if he thought of the devil and he appeared. Except, instead of a devil, it was a small boy who looked about his age and who would probably be taller if he wasn’t slouching. He looked as if he was curling in on himself, a permanent protective act that seemed to be more unconscious than something he purposefully did. It would be interesting living with him. 

He was so caught up in studying the boy’s mannerisms to realize that he wasn’t a stranger after all. It was the anxious young adult he had met at  _ Brewed Awakening _ . It was Evan. Of course it was. The one boy he just could  _ not _ get out of his mind was right there in front of him.

“Evan,” he whispered.

“Connor?” Evan replied. “You… You go here?”

“What?” At this point, Connor was almost certainly in shock. It was as if his mind had just switched off and he was left a stumbling mess.

Evan repeated his question. This time, Connor pulled himself together enough to provide a comprehensive answer.

“Um… Yeah. Yeah. I uh… I am studying… here… Psychology! Yeah, I’m studying psychology… and music and modern arts. Yeah...” He stumbled through the few words and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

Evan grinned. “That’s really cool. I’m taking Environmental Science. And I’m minoring in music, so I guess I’ll be with you in that. At least we won’t be alone, huh?”

“Ye-yeah. I guess that’s a good thing.”

“Have you unpacked yet?” Evan asked.

“No, not yet. I just arrived.”

“Oh, well would you like some help?”

Connor smiled. “Yeah. That would be lovely.”

Together, they began unpacking and setting up their room, falling into an easy and relaxed rhythm. Somehow, Connor knew that he would get through the horrors that were college. And who knew, with Evan by his side, anything was possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Am. So. Sorry. About. This.
> 
> This is a short chapter and one that has not been beta-read just yet. (Sorry, Jared. My email isn't working rn. Wish me luck)
> 
> School has just been crazy right now but it's holidays soon and I'll hopefully update more soon. I'm sorry.


	5. Author's Note

Hey Guys!

Sorry I've been AWOL... Life's been hectic. Anyhow. I'm back to writing now.

This note is to say that I'm going to be rewriting some parts of the already published chapters, not too much, but just enough that I am happy with it and how it will fit in with my plans for the future of the fic. 

I think that I have skipped over a lot of characterisation for both of my characters, but specifically Connor. I feel like I've failed him by having his mental health problems just *disappear*, so I'm going to correct that and some other details of the fic (like what they're studying and some other stuff) because it'll flow more smoothly later in the story.

Because of this, the chapter will probably take a bit longer to come out than I would have liked, but hopefully, you'll still like it.

Thank you for understanding,

Ari


End file.
